WITH[OUT]

In the spirit of the holiday I’ve been thinking back on old love, or lack thereof. And when my dad was the man to wish me a happy Valentine’s Day, there was a part of me that started to feel kind of pathetic. And then thankful. And then incredibly blessed. Because although maybe it is pathetic to be thinking about love lost on Valentine’s Day, it is definitely not pathetic to have a loving father. What I didn’t have yesterday is a boyfriend, but what I did have yesterday, and have had every day of my life is a father who has loved me, and loved me well. A real man who has told me I am beautiful and taught me how the other men in my life should treat me. A man who has created a safe, secure environment in which I was encouraged to explore who I am and what I want. A man who has allowed me to grow in to a confident, independent woman. And to have that kind of a father and that kind of strong, secure love for a lifetime is rare and wonderful. I am incredibly thankful to have a father who loves me, buys me chocolates and calls me sweetheart. Even if he is the only one J

This fall my World Vision child, Oliver, graduated from the support program. Kinda crazy since we’ve had a five-year “relationship.” But also exciting considering his village was assessed to be no longer in need of World Vision’s support and presence. In perfect timing, the Atlanta Dream Center began a similar sponsorship program through MetroKidz– an organization dedicated to at-risk kids in the city.  And now I get to sponsor Bernard, a boy who lives right up the street. And his needs are just as critical as the needs of the children in Uganda. And I actually get to play with him. And it’s awesome.

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Well, I am clearly not a good blogger. I think the problem is I am so used to living my life and not used to thinking of everything I do or like in terms of tweets, instagrams, status updates and blogs. But I’m ready to recommit. And I will desperately try to ignore how exposed and narcissistic doing all of the previously mentioned things makes me feel. I wont rehash October - February of this experiment. But the journey has definitely evolved from monthly sacrifices to lifestyle changes. And the revelations of thankfulness have encompassed every area of my life. And I’m so free.  

SEPTEMBER

…has been a blur. So, instead of writing a preface, I’ll write the epilogue. This month marked the final collapse in all my previous notions of what I can and can’t live without. I had to take a six week break from work for physical rehabilitation and an indefinite break from the guy I was dating for emotional rehabilitation. The beginning of September found me slightly dazed, with nothing but time and no one to spend it with. 

So I started with strangers. It’s amazing the people you can meet when your heart is overflowing and open to sharing with whomever you encounter. For me, this was homeless people throughout my neighborhood while walking to the bank, or to buy groceries, or pick up parts for my bike or a bite to eat. And the after school program I volunteer at began again for the new school year, and I was able to reconnect with the girls I mentor. And I had time to help at ESL classes, and prepare apartments and go grocery shopping for new refugee families coming in through World Relief. And I had time to get involved with an entire group of people my age who are passionate about combating violence, drugs and prostitution and bringing life to the Old Fourth Ward - a dark neighborhood just one mile from my house. And I was able to partner with Atlanta Dream Center to go out into this neighborhood to meet and pray with families, to give food, and to build relationships with the people living there. And I could now spend time with some of these children as part of a prostitution prevention program. And I was available to baby-sit infants at My Sister’s House - a place for homeless women and women with children. 

What I learned is that community is essential. We are made to know and be known. And with so much need in our communities - so many people who need a hand, or a friend, or someone to just listen and care - loneliness is impossible. Boredom is out of the question. If our hearts are empty and broken, it is because there is nothing flowing out of them. Because when you are giving and serving and loving, you are growing and being filled and experiencing fruit and life. 

The money I saved this month from not driving to work or to see a boy was donated to the Atlanta Dream Center.

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I’ve learned that as deeply and significantly as you can feel betrayal, loss, pain and heartache, so truly can you experience joy, hope, freedom and love.

Tonight I experienced Dialogue in the Dark, an exhibition that simulates a day in the life of a blind person.  The exhibition begins by splitting people in to groups, handing them walking sticks, then turning the lights out. At this point there is momentary panic. We rely on sight so heavily – to influence the way we think, what we buy, who we trust, where we go, etc. Without it, we’re lost. And insecure. But 3% of Americans have found another way to live, not driven by the lights and images that lead most of us. During the exhibition we were lead by a blind tour guide through four different sets and faced with a challenge in each:  find cheese and check out in the grocery store, find a bridge that leads to a park bench and take a seat, walk down a dock and get in a boat, and safely cross the street to enter a department store. The most interesting part was how easy it was to be blind in a group of strangers who also saw nothing. Losing one sense created a sense of unity in us as we relied on each other’s leading to safely and successfully complete our tasks.

When our perception and being is wholly dependent on individual sight, it is not surprising that we’re oblivious to the thoughts and needs of others. I wonder if we would see more if we couldn’t see at all.

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